Food Interrupted Chapter 4: Dinner Don’ts

28 May 2010, Posted by Cape Town Girl in BFFs, CTG, Parties, cape town, characters, food, food interrupted, s1mz, sponsors, wine, 5 Comments

Bloody hell.
Darlings, in many of our conversations I talk about what we MUST do.
“Do this darlings, bloody do this and that and don’t forget this and what about that other thing, here darlings smoke this and drink that and oh look there’s a cat on your back” and on and on bloody ad bloody infinitum. But darlings, this past week I have been thinking very little about the myriad of things that we bloody must NEVER do my darlings, never! And what brought on this meaningless drivel most interesting insight? Why the monumentally poor decision of honour of hosting the first Dinner for Six of course!

Let’s start at the very middle darlings, the very beginning makes me nervous, reminds me of my real age vast experience and in any case I’ve run out of sedatives energy. You MUST NOT call the party Dinner for 6, set the table for six, arrange glasses for six, cook Gazpacho and Cheddar Paprika Cheese Straws for starters, Chicken Kiev on Asparagus and Tomato Jus for mains and Strawberry Drop Scones and Cream for dessert for six, and then invite seven. You MUST NOT leave preparations to the last minute. You MUST NOT meet your guests at the door with a toilet brush behind one ear, a hand up a chicken’s bum and a wild look of terror on your face, drunk.

You MUST NOT at, any point, consider inviting anyone even mildly interesting or remotely attractive. Specifically if you were too drunk busy to prep most of the courses the night before. The reason being my darlings, is that the funnier, smarter or sexier they are, the more time you’re going to spend sitting outside smoking a piece of your own hair, bouncing on someone’s knee with a bottle of KWV Orchestra pressed to your bosom like your first born.

CTG and S1mz, being smart, funny, interesting and attractive, causing Frances to smoke her hair outside.

You MUST NOT pretend that anything is serious. You MUST NOT have real, meaningful conversations. You MUST NOT engage with anyone on any kind of authentic level. This real waste of time will only result in quiet, sophisticated exchanges and delicate phrasing and things like people’s needs and feelings and consideration and other boring fuckwittage rewarding experiences that may or may not cause the host of Dinner for 75 to pass out face forward into the wine spittoon.

You MUST NOT ever let a man through the front door carrying a bottle of 30 year old Famous Grouse. This is non-negotiable. Regardless of how innocent this man looks, if he is in the company of the Grouse you must barricade yourself inside and switch off all the lights so that he cannot see you are at home. But should you make the fatal error of allowing him entrance, do not be surprised if you find yourself, a good EIGHT HOURS LATER, propped up at the dining room table like the cadaver in all the Weekend at Bernie’s films, both elbows in a puddle of Gazpacho, rolling tea bags for cigarettes and speaking like Groucho Marx.

You MUST NEVER do anything that involves any of the above on a weeknight. HAH! You think you know that? You think, “Frances is a bloody fool darling for having Dinner for Six Hundred Thousand on a Thursday night, I on the other hand darling would never do such a thing darling me? Never. Me? Never. Me? Never. Me….” Sorry darlings, got a little carried away – but you’re thinking it aren’t you? You bastards clever little things.

Well even if you aren’t, what you MUST NOT DO is make all of the above mistakes, because if you do, I can guarantee you will find yourself walking the streets of Cape Town in the orange smoggy light of dawn like a lone survivor of the Rage Virus, bare, bloodied feet stumbling, Ferragamo dress stained red with La Capra and feathered with tobacco, confused, scared and alone, plaintively asking for directions back to Tamborskloof and normality, all the while a lone Cheddar and Paprika straw clings to the back of your 100% wool Gerard Darel pea coat – a tacit reminder of a once civilized world.

It sounds like a GREAT deal of fun doesn’t it? But after the merriment of trawling the streets like a gin-soaked loony has passed, you have to come home and …
WASH UP.
Tonight darlings, I ask you all very graciously to fuck off and leave me alone.
I’m doing Wine for One.
A shadow of the foodie formerly known as Frances
xxx

CTG’s restaurant critic goes to Joburg: S1mz does DW eleven-13

19 May 2010, Posted by Cape Town Girl in BFFs, CTG, CTG recommends, characters, food, s1mz, 5 Comments

Writes S1mz:

“Johannesburg: land of the catalogue cafe, the restaurant of repeat, the duplicate diner, and I despair when I visit there for extended periods because, quite frankly, I find Doppio Zero insulting and Nino’s repugnant, and the thought of eating a chicken salad at News Cafe whilst IT project managers and property developers talk about being “shweet my bru” and “fucking off to Harties” gives me instant acid reflux.

Fortunately, things are looking up.  Not since the days of Dario D’Angeli’s Yum in Greenside has there been an offering so un-Johannesburg and so promisingly good. The site of DW eleven-13 is a real destination.  If you don’t know about this restaurant, you’ll miss it, and that might be good for people like me because I’ll be surprised to get in there without a week’s advance booking fairly soon.

The hostess read the specials off a scribbled note pad – Amateur! But I let it slide. I ordered the seared foie gras for starter which has to be one of the best servings I’ve ever had.  It melted like butter in my mouth, no, it was even softer than butter, combining with the caramelized apple puree and the sour verjuice syrup which had soaked into a tangled pile of watercress to perfectly balance out the rich creaminess of the liver.  My sister, my dining partner for the evening, ordered a beautifully simple confit tomato and goats cheese tart. I’m not a raving fan of goats cheese, I find it’s often powdery and bitter but this was a light, refreshing and fragrant morsel.

Mains continued the trend. Owner and chef Marthinus Ferrieria recommended the warthog pie, one of the daily specials which came with a thin, light and creamy potato puree. The meat was delicious, uniquely flavoured, light yet with a distinct trace of game.  The pastry on the pie was nice and firm and with a creamy flavour.  Overall, I found the entire dish a tad dry but would order it again simply because the flavours were so good. Roast chicken  with pomme puree was set in front of Sister.  Marthinus delivered a coup de grace on this dish.  He served the best part of the chicken, in my opinion, the skin, as chicken crackling. It was so good I would order this dish again just to get the crackling!

I have to mention the exquisite plating of his dishes at this point.  Tiny accenting dots of sauce drawing the eyes around the meal encouraging us to look before we eat.  Rolls, twirls and little monuments of crackling, and tuille with chaotic wrestling green leaves. I’ve seen post-modern art like this sell for a fortune.

Dessert was a fitting end.  Dark chocolate torte, a white and dark chocolate terrine with a milk ice cream and pistachio nut butter (all made in the kitchen, daily) and creme brulee prepared how it should be, custard, with a burnt sugar top with a white chocolate and ginger filled brandy snap. Both brilliant!  The dark torte was almost black, and it was bitter! But it contrasted so wonderfully with the sweet heaven of the terrine and the smooth ice cream.  Brulee was good too. Love it when you can see the little vanilla seeds punctuating the creamy yellow custard.

Would I go back? In a heart beat!  DW eleven-13 is what Johannesburg has been gagging for. In amongst the ubiquitous brands that insult us in almost every dreary, washed out and rapidly built shopping mall, this eatery is a haven, the attention to gastronomic detail, true hospitality and above all excellent food puts this spot up there with the best restaurants of South Africa. I wish Marthinus Ferreira only the very best, and I’ll be surprised if he doesn’t turn up on the best list very soon.  Hang in there, please! Johannesburg has a tawdry reputation when it comes to supporting originality in the restaurant trade but we need more chefs like Marthinus, who’s vision and bloody mindedness will hopefully win over complacency and the mind numbing boredom that comes from simply not seeing the gold within our reach.”

Click here to follow @S1mz on twitter – he’s great for spot restaurant reccommendations – go on, give him a try!