Fairlady asked me to write about the best gift I gave to myself in their love-themed February 2012 issue. Can you guess what I wrote about? Not macarons or shades or shoes…
A gloomy New Year's Day - 2012 is the year of changing up my exercise
I’m a creature of habit. I love being able to run a distance, say 10kms, and then run it over and over and over and over again. I like being able to predict my highs, when my calves will get stiff. I like knowing how awesome I’m going to be feeling at the end of it. And at the end of it, I like knowing that I’m going to do it all again soon, and then allowing myself to stuff my face because 10kms means I can consumer 700 extra calories (let’s talk prego rolls at AndUnion, or Miss K cupcakes, see below).
nom nom
This enjoyment of doing something over and over isn’t all bad – it’s pretty much how I got myself to run in the first place and to push my distance further and further. The thing is, you do this for 6 months, and your body stops responding (so annoying! but anyway). Running 10kms becomes the serotonin-drenched equivalent of lying on the couch, as far as your body is concerned. Sure it keeps the weight off and it makes you happy and clear-headed, but it doesn’t make things tight and ripply. I have no desire to have a super muscled body-builder’s physique, but I like being able to see a little bit of definition when my body moves. This is what I call tight and ripply.
An average day running on the promenade. Not hard to see why one would want to repeat it.
I’ve recently been convinced by James, the owner of Roark Gyms to change up my exercise program and see what kind of results I’d get. So I threw in some kettle bell, and cut my traditional cardio (running / spinning) from an hour to 30 – 40 minutes. I added some wall balls (throwing and catching a weighted ball against a wall, throwing it out of and catching it in a squat position), and a lot of air squats (squatting with my hands above my head). 15 – 20 minutes of this 3 times a week and I saw a change in my body after three weeks, without changing my diet.
The biggest breakthrough for me this past year is realizing that squatting (with just your hands up or with a weight above your head) is like the Mr Muscle of training movements. It flattens the tummy, helps make a small waste, contributes to the development of a Beyonce bum and nicely shapes out your thighs. You can make it more hectic by increasing the weight you hold over your head, or running between sets. Of course, creature of habit that I am, I now just want to do squat-based training all day every day, but I will diligently push through this urge and find news ways of pushing my body. More coming soon.
This is a hilarious outtake from one of the mobility videos I’ve been filming with James, the owner of the soon-to-be-open Roark Gyms. He was showing me how my foot position makes me unstable when running, and for some reason I grab his head to steady myself.
More videos to follow. Serious ones :)
Had so much fun doing the Big Walk on Sunday, that was sponsored by Discovery Health. We did the 5kms and it was so lovely to go on foot through parts of Cape Town I never normally see. When we started at about 10h30 the rain started coming down in big fat drops as we began walking, but walking in the rain is not nearly as bad as you think it is. Some people had plastic bags over their outfits (the theme was superheroes – check out our cool capes) and others whined about it, but really now – most of us spend our lives in airconditioned offices getting flourescent light tans – a little rain while you walk is wonderful for reminding us that we live on earth and not in Planet Cubicle.
The 5kms went from Newlands through Mowbray and ended up at St George’s Mall. And everyone in Cape Town was there! It was a serious family affair – moms and dads and kids and aunts and uncles and babies (in prams!). There was such a great vibe of general good will and joviality. If you want to take part in something that’s both fun and really healthy, make sure you sign up for the @Discovery_SA Big Walk next year.
Truly loving the fact that I got 4000 Discovery points for doing the Big Walk (each time you go to gym you get 150 – and the points system is amazing, it gives you real (real real real) rewards back. If you’re not making Vitality work for you chat to someone there about how you can – it’s so worth it when you look at the discounts you can get on all sorts of things. And a HUGE side effect of earning points is, of course, good health. What are you waiting for?
A huge thank you to Discovery for organising such a great way to contribute to personal fitness. As someone who runs just about every day, it was so great to take part in a big event like this with a brand that does SO much for keeping people healthy. And although Cape Town might have come fifth in the Discovery Healthiest City Study, I think we made up for it in the spirit stakes! :) Not sure what the turnout was but it looked like a million people were there, all doing their bit to get healthy and all having a great time. See you next year – going to do the 10km walk next time!
I hate my body, but it’s not my fault.
It’s the MAGAZINES’ fault, cos they publish pictures of thin people.
It’s HOLLYWOOD’s fault, because they choose to depict an aspirational lifestyle.
It’s FASHION’s fault, because they make clothes I can’t fit into.
I’m going to tweet about it angrily, right after I tweet about how hungover I am from last night’s wine and food tasting, where I ate seven courses excluding dessert, drank a bottle and half of wine, drank 3 shooters and smoked half a pack of cigarettes.
I’m sick of having to hate my body because of the media.
Enough is enough.
I hate my body, but it’s not my fault.
It’s the ADVERTISER’S FAULT, and it’s THE GYM’S fault, for only showing pictures of slim healthy people, even though it logically makes sense because they are trying to talk to people who value being slim and healthy.
They make me feel fat and disgusting.
So do those skinny bitches who tweet about ‘how much they love running’.
I hate running and I hate anything to do with exercise.
I especially hate people who talk about it.
I hope you drown in your own sweat or get strangled by your monokini and stop making me feel like shit because I can walk up a flight of stairs without breaking a sweat.
The problem isn’t THAT I DON’T EXERCISE.
The problem is that SO MANY OF THOSE AWFUL SKINNY PEOPLE DO, AND I HATE THEM.
I hate my body, but it’s not my fault.
It’s KFC’s fault for serving such TEMPTING DELICIOUS FOODS.
And it’s VEGETABLES’ fault for being so not-filled with salt and addictive flavourants and fried in fat.
It’s those adverts for WEIGHT LOSS AIDS’ fault.
Why should companies make money out of HELPING PEOPLE BE HEALTHIER? BASTARDS.
Why should I EAT LESS? The media is FILLED with things telling me to eat less.
Well I’ll show the media I have my own mind by EATING MORE.
Take that media!
And when I’m done eating more than is healthy for my height and size, I am going to slag the media off for making me feel so shit about my body.
I hate my body, but it’s not my fault.
Sure, I smoke, but if you’re gonna lecture me about how ‘bad smoking is for your lungs and overall body functioning’ then PUH LEEEEEEZE get out of here you self-righteous new age ponce.
Smoking is my THING, okay? So is drinking. And eating.
So what if instead of dealing with issues in my life I prefer to EAT UNTIL I’M IN A CARB COMA.
And SO WHAT if my big nights out make me feel like a rat that got run over on Long Street.
SO WHAT if two bottles of wine, five shooters and 4 cocktails contains more than three times the average adult human’s daily calorie allowance. I LIKE TO HAVE FUN OKAY.
It’s not MY DRINKING that’s the problem.
It’s magazines showing slim people looking happy that’s the problem.
My need to ABUSE THE MIRACLE OF NATURE THAT IS MY BODY is NOT why I feel filled with loathing every time I look in the mirror.
The fact that I wheeze every time I need to slightly exert myself is NOT why I hate my body.
I hate my body because of THE MEDIA AND THEIR CONSTANT REMINDER OF HOW GOOD HEALTH CAN LOOK.
They should be BANNED for showing slim people and an aspirational lifestyle. People who are good examples make me feel LIKE SHIT.
I hate my body, but it’s not my fault.
It’s EVERYBODY’S fault but my own.
Someone tell VirginActive pronto?
I just KNOW I’d get thinner using one of these rather than using a regular powerplate. I just KNOW it.
Image via Virgin Active UK
So PD introduced me to TRX. It’s called ’suspension and balance training’, but you do it with two ropes against a wall, and you have to balance the whole time but you’re also stretching… it’s hardcore. You’ll be stiff for a long time after your first session, but persevere. We like it because it shapes your thighs longer rather than wider, as things like squats tend to do. It’s also great for core.
TRX is very simple but you’ll need to be shown what to do. Ask an instructor at the gym. I see Virgin Active Gardens now has a TRX wall – nice. You can also get one installed at home.
PS I also like it coz it sounds like T-Rex
“I guess my mom raised me right. She was very celebratory of her body. I never heard her once say, “I feel fat.” Back when I was modeling, the first time I went to Italy I was having cappuccinos every day, and I gained 15 pounds. And I felt gorgeous! I would take my clothes off in front of the mirror and be like, Oh, I look like a woman. And I felt beautiful, and I never tried to lose it, ’cause I loved it.” – Christina Hendricks (that HOT chick from Madmen)
Where can I get me a pair of these? So I can ’slenderize exactly where I want’. Alternatively, simply wander around vast bodies of water, feeling ‘totally safe’ about possibly. falling. in.
1. It is rude to stretch your body out over the middle of the top shelf.
Why? Because the top shelf is the spot where the sauna is at its most effective, hence the most desirable spot. It is large enough to fit 2 bodies, if they lie with their knees up. But when you stretch yo ass out over the middle, you don’t leave enough space on either side of you for another person to sit. Just pick a side, s’all I’m sayin’. Pick a side, so one of us others can also get some prime sauna positioning. ‘Share‘ would be the keyword here.
2. Lie with your legs facing the wall.
Why? Because lying with your legs splayed facing the middle of the sauna is antisocial. Come now. This is a public space. Not to be confused with a pubic space. Think of the children! (we’ll get onto those in the next point). Besides, why would you lie with your head under the glaring lightbulb? Lie with your head in the middle of the shelf, and your feet facing against the wall. It’s just better that way. For everyone.
4. Don’t bring children into the sauna.
Why? There is a sign that says as much. The sauna is HOT. Your child is small. And chirpy. It won’t stop talking. Talk talk talk. ‘Mommy, your face is red. Mommy, why is your face red? Mommy, why do your boobs point down?’ The sauna is a place for quiet relaxation, for recovering post-workout, for detoxing, for contemplating Eat, Pray, Love. It is not a place for ‘Mommy why is that lady looking at me like she wants to kill me?’. Please.
3. Don’t monopolise the sauna shower with your full-body-treatment-scrub-masques.
The sauna shower is for quick, icy dowsing, not for mini-spa-day times. Yeah you may think to hell with it, and take yourself a 15 minute shower in the sauna shower, while we poor pruny souls in the sauna dehydrate slowly, losing all rational thought, wanting to voice a protest but too weak with heat… just know, we see you. Uh huh. We seen yo FACE.
