Worm-spotting: A field guide to the common PPA

04 Mar 2010, Posted by Cape Town Girl in CTG, field guides, lifestyle, 3 Comments

I’m not very tolerant when it comes to people and their bullshit, I’m the first to admit. But there is a certain subspecies of human I really struggle to indulge, namely the Pity Party Animal. Everyone knows a PPA. They can be easily identified by their calls (vary between subspecies, but essentially the same sort of warble):

The I’m-soooo-tired subspecies: “Oh I am sooooo tired! I am soooo overworked! I’m just soo tired and exhausted.”

Really? Because you seem to have plenty of energy to spout that boring drivel about being tired. And it’s a biological fact that the less active you are, the more tired you are, so you’re not fooling anyone. Unless, of course, you smoke your oxygen away and drink your circulatory system into a funk. Then you have a valid reason for being tired – you’re an idiot. But please, shut up with the moaning.

The Squirm Out Of Paying The Bill subspecies: “I am sooo broke! How am I ever going to pay off my debts?”

This is usually said while playing with strap of new Guess handbag, and then conveniently ‘not having cash in wallet’ when it comes to paying the bill at the end of the meal. “I’ll get the next one,” they say, and of course, you don’t see them again for six months. When you do see them again, they are wearing a new pair of Marc Jacobs heels yet they order ‘water please’ at Vida. When you say ‘why water’ they say, “I’m so broke. I just can’t afford coffee” in the hopes that you will pick up the tab. Which you do. Not because you feel sorry for them for feeling broke. But because warbling around about how broke you are with your hugely expensive highlights is almost comedic, if sad. You’ve earned your coffee.

The My-Job-Sucks subspecies: “I hate my job! I wish I could do something else! I work so hard, seriously. You don’t understand how much it sucks.”

Dear god, this is my worst. Really? Is your job really so bad? Are you shovelling shit? Are you opening your legs to strange men? No? Then best you see your job for what it is – an opportunity. No one’s forcing you to stay in a job you don’t quite like. You can always use your experience to move onto something better. You ARE allowed to complain about a shitty job if you are making a plan to do something else. But until then, best you quit whining. Because this dead-bloated-cow-on-a-hot-highway look in my eye? It means I’ve stopped listening.