I present: Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor – the official website!
What on earth are you still doing here? Hit up Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor immediately!
My relationship with my orchid has never been an easy one. From the start, I was plagued by doubts as to whether I was giving her all I could, whether she was really as happy as she appeared to be. She was hot and cold, always changing her mind, never quite sure of how she felt. I was constantly showering so she could have her precious humidity, and rearranging my life (by not using my walk-in closet as a closet so that she could have it as a conservatoire). I gave her a view. I spritzed her roots. I loved her with all my heart, really, I did, but it wasn’t enough. RIP Georgia. You’ll always be my first orchid love.
Garp patiently waits for his master outside the toilets.
And just for kicks, that great pic of him frolicking with a painting.
Was given orchid as gift a few weeks back. Since then have been in state of abject terror that orchid will die on me, exacerbated by orchid’s erratic and confusing behaviour.
> First, named Orchid ‘Georgia’ after Georgia O’Keefe and her erotic orchid close-ups. Felt very smug about it and told lots of people. Came home a day later and 5 of orchid’s back flowers had dried up. Overnight. Horror.
> Googled phaenopsis, which is orchid’s latin name. Wikipedia says Georgia would prefer humidity. Deflating, since spend life trying to rid apartment, specifically walk-in closet, of humidity, caused by male architect not putting skylight in shower.
> Thus decide to make walk-in closet ‘Georgia’s Room’. Place her by window so she can receive ‘dappled sunlight’ and enjoy view of Table Mountain. Open shower screen and shut door to walk-in closet every morning after shower so Georgia can have her sauna.
> Georgia perks up immediately. Buds that had not opened now bloom. Celebrate by having another shower and locking Georgia in with steam.
> Day later, Georgia’s dried flowers drop off. New blooms morosely wilting. Worry about steam-overload so spend hour wiping off leaves very delicately. Notice that one of Georgia’s roots has suddenly twisted itself over pot, probably ‘wanting to be free’.
> Buy Georgia new pot but Georgia refuses to let go of old pots with her twisty neophytic roots. Have to bend roots. One snaps. Feel bad. Pull a little more and discover Georgia clutches sandy stones in bottom of pot like they are her eggs (why??). Decide to leave Georgia in pot, wilty and clutching eggs. Have shower and slink out of closet feeling like new mother who does not know how to burp her baby.
> Next day Georgia perky again despite surprise root amputation. Seems happier than ever.
Is anyone else being emotionally manipulated by their orchid like this?
How do y’all handle?
Me Tilikum
Tilikum great whale of a whale
Chillin’ in Tilikum’s tank, dreaming of wide open sea
Rememberin a time when Tilikum was free
With Tilikum’s family
Skimmin’ waves
Chompin l’il sea beasties
Squeakin away
But Tilikum not free
Tilikum must jump through hoops for fish
Tilikum must pretend to enjoy tummy rubs, when Tilikum actually fierce predatorial killing machine.
One day, Tilikum just no take it anymore.
Chomp.
Tilikum feel bad, but what to do?
Tilikum jump through more hoops
Sit through more tummy rubs
And dream of wide open sea.
