the rules of the road leading into the Petrol Station on Orange

22 Jun 2010, Posted by Cape Town Girl in CTG, What utter nonsense, a good cause, cape town, lifestyle, south africa, 6 Comments

As a seasoned Capetonian, my life is very carefully arranged so as to cause me Minimum Effort and Maximum Awesome. I live 5 seconds from where I work, I shop 5 seconds from where I live, and if anything takes me longer that 5 seconds to get to / do, I simply abandon it. It’s a maxim to live by. Try it. This morning took an unusual turn in that my petrol light was flashing, so I thought, let me just swing past the petrol station (NOT a BP), also 5 seconds from my front door. Swing past. In, out, off to work. Totally plausible, but only in a world where there are no floaters.

I have discussed floaters before. They are the bane of the 24-hour Engen on Orange Street. They drive into the driveway, and then, instead of turning left or right or nipping into a petrol bay, they simply stop and… float. They float, and they back up the traffic into Orange Street, causing near-pile-ups and much screeching of tyres, swearing and hooting, gnashing of teeth and abandoning of religious beliefs. All of which is totally unnecessary at 9am in a city that generally looks and feels like this:

Blissful.

Can you see how this would completely FUCK with the pretty?

This morning we had a very special floater. Not only did this floater drive in and, predictably, float and cause a traffic jam, but she also dropped the cigarette she was smoking out of the window. She then made everyone wait (and hoot, and screech, and rev engines and pray that cars do not drive into the back of them around the semi blind corner) while she handbraked her car, opened the door, got out and retrieved same cigarette (she clearly dropped it by mistake – it wasn’t finished! heaven forbid she miss out on that last drag! the world might just end! ) and then get back in her car while she fiddled around in her handbag for dog knows what – a lighter, some lipstick, a tampon to stop further braincells bleeding out her nose? You’re smoking a cigarette at a petrol station? Jesus…

Listen up floaters: Drive into the Engen, and decide. Do you want PETROL, or do you want a PIE? For PETROL turn RIGHT. For PIE, turn LEFT. But whatever you do, DO NOT STOP AND FLOAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. PLEASE.

Please.

please.