ladies, some ground rules for the sauna

17 Jun 2010, Posted by Cape Town Girl in CTG, girl stuff, gym jabber, 2 Comments

1. It is rude to stretch your body out over the middle of the top shelf.

Why? Because the top shelf is the spot where the sauna is at its most effective, hence the most desirable spot. It is large enough to fit 2 bodies, if they lie with their knees up. But when you stretch yo ass out over the middle, you don’t leave enough space on either side of you for another person to sit. Just pick a side, s’all I’m sayin’. Pick a side, so one of us others can also get some prime sauna positioning. ‘Share‘ would be the keyword here.

2. Lie with your legs facing the wall.

Why? Because lying with your legs splayed facing the middle of the sauna is antisocial. Come now. This is a public space. Not to be confused with a pubic space.  Think of the children! (we’ll get onto those in the next point). Besides, why would you lie with your head under the glaring lightbulb? Lie with your head in the middle of the shelf, and your feet facing against the wall. It’s just better that way. For everyone.

4. Don’t bring children into the sauna.

Why? There is a sign that says as much. The sauna is HOT. Your child is small. And chirpy. It won’t stop talking. Talk talk talk. ‘Mommy, your face is red. Mommy, why is your face red? Mommy, why do your boobs point down?’ The sauna is a place for quiet relaxation, for recovering post-workout, for detoxing, for contemplating Eat, Pray, Love. It is not a place for ‘Mommy why is that lady looking at me like she wants to kill me?’. Please.

3. Don’t monopolise the sauna shower with your full-body-treatment-scrub-masques.

The sauna shower is for quick, icy dowsing, not for mini-spa-day times. Yeah you may think to hell with it, and take yourself a 15 minute shower in the sauna shower, while we poor pruny souls in the sauna dehydrate slowly, losing all rational thought, wanting to voice a protest but too weak with heat… just know, we see you. Uh huh. We seen yo FACE.